I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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