u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
