Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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