Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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