Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
