these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
