I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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