Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
