My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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