She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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