I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
