I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
