Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
