Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
