I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You can't motorboat a personality
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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