If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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