I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
