The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
