Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
