Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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