i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
