you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I enjoy the company of your penis
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