Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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