Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My bed smells like the plague
Oh god it's open bar.
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