my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Randomize
