Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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