Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
