If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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