Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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