Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
