Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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