dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
