So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I am one with the molecules
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
