When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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