ya dads aren't the best wingmen
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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