sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I said "one day" and that day is not today
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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