Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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