I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
