You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Randomize
