I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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