It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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