I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
