I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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