My hand turned me down
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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