Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
