i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
