I can't breathe out the right side of my face
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
we're so committed to being not committed
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
