We won't sleep together?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
