You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
