What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
